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General items of military humour, mostly NOT politically correct.

Now that all forms of sexual discrimination have been removed from the Army, the ranks are attracting all sorts. At the Puckapunyal Military Camp recently a drill sergeant had a squad of recruits lined up on the parade ground. "From the right, number!" bawled the sergeant. "One!" "Two!" "Three!" "Four!" "One!" "Hold it, hold it right there!" screamed the sergeant. "You! You 'orrible dozy idle little man, you! You're not One, are you?" "Yeth" lisped the recruit. "Are you one, too?"

Australia's Air Defence in the 21st Century

A range of humorous signs on sale to US personnel. All non official.

Yasser Arafat was a known terrorist for much of his life. 

Later in life he supported and encouraged terrorists, particularly suicide bombers. 

Part of the belief is that a suicide bomber becomes a holy martyr, goes straight to Paradise where 72 virgins await him. 

This image refers to that.

The story below, about Osama bin Larden is also based on that belief.

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to Osama's knee.

Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
The RSM of an Air Force Training base had 20 young Officers to train. He was not impressed with them, at all. He explained life to them this way. "Gentlemen,  because you are Officers, I will call you "Sir". Because I am the RSM you will call me "Sir". "The only difference is, you will mean it and I won't".
Malaysia 1969. I am a Rifleman/Stretcher Bearer (now called Combat Medic). I had just returned from 14 days in the J with my Platoon. I am looking forward to lots of beer and a girl or two and some proper food. The Boss calls me up to tell me that I have to do an immediate turnaround and go back into the J for another 14 days with another Platoon. I am NOT HAPPY. Guess what. That Platoon has a brand new Duntroon graduate 2Lt on his first trip into the bush in Malaysia. He ran the Platoon ragged, charging up mountainsides (bloody steep in Malaysia) just for the sake of showing that he was "the man". After 4 days I disliked him, after 10 days I hated him and the rest of the Platoon did likewise.

Towards the end he came to me with crotch rot. Now normally I would advise a "new boy" about Whitfield's Ointment (benzoic acid) and tell him to use it sparingly and be ready for the pain but it was PAYBACK TIME. I tossed this bloke a full, new tube of Whitfield's and said "Here, smear this on and don't miss anything". He used nearly the whole tube (10 times as much as required) and applied it to EVERYTHING he had hanging or in the area. When the pain hit him it was a pretty sight. He did not know whether he was punched, bored, drilled or stapled. He was in agony.

When we got back to camp he tried to have me charged. "Can't do, sorry" was the reply he got from my boss, the Medical Officer, a doctor. "It was the correct ointment and self administered". He now hates me. We are even.

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Going to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: 
"Do you know they are all out of step except you?" 
"What?" asked the recruit innocently. 
"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. 
"Well, Sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!" 
A lieutenant was out walking one day, and came upon a little boy, playing with a pile of s**t. "Son, what are you doing?" asked the lieutenant. "I'm building an NCO," said the boy. The lieutenant, thinking this was quite funny, returned with his captain, and asked the same question. Again, the boy replied that he was building an NCO.

The captain, also thinking it was funny, went back to the company area, and brought the first sergeant out. Again the question was asked, and the reply was the same. The first sergeant then asked the boy why he was building an NCO. 
The boy replied "Because I don't have enough s**t to make an officer."

The Battle of TRAFALGAR (1805) by 2005 Rules

Admiral Horatio Nelson (1758-1805)

The most decisive naval battle in history. However, against all naval conventions, Admiral Nelson (in a prearranged plan) divided his fleet into two squadrons and attacked the center of the Franco-Spanish line at right angles. This meant exposing the English ships to the massive broadsides of the enemy. At 11:50 AM, Nelson, on board the H.M.S. Victory, signaled his famous message: "England expects that every man will do his duty." Then, after his southern squadron, led by Admiral Cuthbert Collingwood in the Royal Sovereign, had engaged the Franco-Spanish line, Nelson began to return fire against Villeneuve's ship, the Bucentaure.

From here, the English ships broke through and offered numerous broadsides of their own. By 5:00 pm the battle was over and the Franco-Spanish fleet was shattered. Villeneuve himself was captured, and his fleet surrendered some 20 ships to the English fleet. In addition, 14,000 men were lost, half of whom were prisoners of war, while 1,500 British seamen were killed or wounded. Only 11 ships reached Cadiz while no English ship was destroyed. But the English did not escape unscathed. At 1:15 PM, while the H.M.S. Victory was engaging the Redoubtable, Nelson was struck in the spine by a sniper and was carried below to die. However, when he did succumb to his injury at 4:30 PM, he was certain that the English had won the day.

The battle of Trafalgar can be considered the most decisive naval battle, both tactically and strategically, in history. It not only eliminated Napoleon's plans to invade England, but had also destroyed French naval power and ensured the dominance of the British navy throughout the world.

  • Just before Battle - a conversation is overheard on the Deck of HMS Victory;
    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
    Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
    Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"
    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...........full speed ahead."
    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
    Nelson: "What?"
    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny !"
    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
    Nelson: "We're not?"
    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this
    multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

    Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
    Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."
Having just moved into his new office wagon, a pompous new colonel was at his desk when a soldier knocked on the door.  

Conscious of his position, the colonel picked up the phone, told the signaller to enter, then said into the handset: "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling he had sufficiently impressed the young signaller, he asked him what he wanted.  "Nothing important sir" came the reply, "I'm just here to connect your telephone."


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